Sometimes you just can't think of anything to write about. Not that there isn't anything going on in your life, but there's just nothing to say. Maybe that's because there's TOO much going on in your life, and the thought of putting down words is overwhelming. Usually my posts fit into two or three nice, pat little categories and I close. Today I'm not sure what's going to happen. It's like my body is hunkering down for the long labor ahead and my brain has officially shut off. My reaction time is slower, my memory is shot, and my attitude is lethargic. Maybe it was all of the red meat and tension of 24 last night, but I feel drained and exhausted. It took everything I had to get up and read my scriptures this morning. Everyone says that I don't look that big, but I feel like a beached whale. I miss my body and I miss my clothes and I miss my energy. I'm terrified of labor and of moving and of being a parent. Who said I was ready to be a parent? I already take care of one person, why throw another one into the mix? In one of my favorite musicals they sing about parents. Well, it's about fathers but I think it applies here. They say "They disappoint, they disappear, they die but they don't. They disappoint in turn, I fear, forget, though, we won't...like father, like son." I didn't have the best father, in fact he was kind of crappy, and my mother pretty much did everything to raise us. How, then, am I supposed to know what my duties are and what Dinomight's duties are? I guess I'll learn by negative example, and by trial and error. I do miss having a father figure in my life, though. Part of me is an empty hole because of the poor choices that that man made.

Depressing blog today. Depressing day today. I have a doctor's appointment in 2 hours to see if I'm dilated or effaced at all. I want to hope for the best, but I can't get my hopes up. Not even chocolate can help me now. I just need to find us a place to live and pack up my house and have a baby and get us moved. That's all. Does that sound like too much? Women have had babies in much more desperate times than these. And with no epidural. I should count myself fortunate, right? I wish today was my last day of work. The thought of three more days looming before me just seems daunting. What was I thinking working up to the end? Oh yeah, I bring home the bacon. "We don't take no tolls, we don't eat no rolls". So I take the tolls so we can eat the rolls. Dinomight, on the other hand, washes the dishes, does the laundry, picks up the house...talk about role reversal. I never thought that I would long to be at home and have him go to work. I always wanted to be a doctor or be involved in medical research. That's why I majored in Human Biology. My single-parent mother had to work from the time when I was 12, and I wanted to be just like her. I admired her independence and the respect she got at work. That was the life I wanted. Little did I know that she wanted to be at home with us.

I don't think I want to stay at home because it's easier or funner than being at work. Work is great. I'm appreciated, I get great perks and have great friends. I get to have adult conversations all day where everyone is clean and pretty and dressed nicely. Home, in my opinion, is harder. You're constantly cleaning up after someone else, constantly cooking meals or running errands. It's lonely and busy and tiring. But, it' s my house and when I come home after 9 hours of work and see dirty dishes or a messy living room I just feel like a failure as a wife. My home is my temple, my kingdom, and when it's in disarray that means I haven't done my job. It doesn't matter that I've been earning money all day, just that I can't take care of my household. No matter how much Dinomight reassures me that I'm not slacking my wifely duties, I just can't get my mind right. I come home exhausted from work and I don't want to clean the bathroom or cook dinner. Then we have people over and my messy house embarrasses me. I know it doesn't mean anything to them, but in my mind it reflects on me as a competent woman. I joke that I need a wife, but what I really want is to be able to BE a wife.

I don't really feel like blogging today, but Duchess yelled at me and told me to do it, so here I am. She's like Edna Mode. You just do what she says. Yesterday was the busy day to end all busy day. There should be a law against asking someone to do 20 things at a time, especially when she's in the family way. If the baby had come yesterday, I'm not so sure I would have noticed it. Except, of course, for the hour and a half that Duchess and I were sitting in the doctor's office waiting for a 30 second check-up. If the doctor is running an hour and a half behind, don't you think they should tell you when you sign in so that you can plan accordingly? Who has an hour and a half to waste watching all the pregnant ladies shift uncomfortably in those tiny waiting room chairs? Poor Duchess. She was a good sport, sitting there reading Xenocide. I, on the other hand, didn't bring a book and just sat there thinking of the 6 million things I SHOULD have been doing at that moment. Why do doctors and bishops always get behind? They know they have a schedule. And an hour and a half is a long time to get behind by lunchtime.

In contrast, today is a slow day to end all slow days. I have things I need to do, but I'm waiting to hear back from people (who, if you read Duchess's blog, are in these big meetings all day). I'd really like to get my work done and out of the way, but I can't do powerpoint slides without the information that the CEO wants on them. And, because I've become his unofficial (read: uncompensated) secretary, it's up to me to make him shine. And shine he does. I'm the best. I've already played the Board Games and read everyone's blog and filed my nails and reorganized my desk. What to do now? I guess I could make up a responsibilities reference booklet for my temporary replacement... Wow, the fun moments just keep right on coming...

This morning I woke up wondering how Divine Comedy got so dang popular. I remember our Freshman year (Fall '99) when you could buy tickets at the door 5 minutes before the show was about to start. That's back in the day when they used to perform in 151 Tanner, with only 150 seats. It was right by the dorms, which made it a favorite freshman date for Benvolio, Phoenix, Duchess, Dinomight, and me. Now you have to get in line at 6am the morning they go on sale, wait 2 hours, and you're lucky if they have any tickets left when you finally get to the front of the line. And this is with 5 shows at 900 seats a show. 4500 tickets??? These people are making a killing! Unfortunately, I don't find the shows as funny as I used to. Maybe my sense of humor has changed over the last 5 years, but it seems like they've gotten kind of lazy. Where's the originality of "The Relief Society Underground" skit or the "Statue Family Home Evening" skit? Back then the writers were quick and unique. Now I'm not saying that Lord of the Engagement Ring isn't funny (I laughed quite a bit at that) but it's just a parody. It's not original. What ever happened to the guy with the guitar who would write songs about BYU? Ahh, the good old days. Maybe things were funnier back then because I had a group of great friends, I was in the beginnings of a relationship (which turned out pretty good), and all my food was cooked for me. Have I become old and cynical in my progressing years? Can I not frolic and caper as I once did? I think if Benvolio gave me the Boston Crab right now it would kill me. And there's no more Sardines in the MOA gardens. Alas, time has passed, and it will continue to pass as the next generation takes our place. We will diminish and go into the West...

I think I've been spending too much time working on Board stuff. Duchess and I have been working really hard on stuff, and I think it's starting to take its toll. I've fallen ill to the Duchess Syndrome...I've started dreaming about the people on the Board. It's creepy. Toasteroven and the Smurfs were in my dream last night. Oh, and poker. I had this really great hand and I was going to win, but then I went into labor and Dinomight wouldn't let me finish the hand. Then TO and tS split my chips between them. No fair!! Stupid labor. TO was grabbing my chips and stuffing them into the pockets of his cargo pants. In fact, I'm not sure I've seen him wear anything BUT cargo pants, yet. In any case, it's time to take a Board break. Today is the big day for stuff, and then we'll get to relax. Anyway, creepy dreams. No more of that.

Maybe someday people will understand, maybe they won't. The point is that one crappy apple in my kitchen ruined the whole bag, and then the bag got soggy and nasty and I had to throw out the bag and get a new one before it got too gross. Then I had to take out the trash before it stunk up the house. What is it about this region that heightens touchiness and inspires action? It's like an entire state of activists who write letters to their congressmen thinking it will do something. The apple only had a little rotten spot on it, but heaven forbid I just cut out that spot and keep the rest of the apple. No, the whole bag had to go. Oh well. Maybe, eventually, I'll be able to eat apples again. Maybe I should stick with oranges for now. Maybe I didn't get enough sleep last night. Whatever. Long live the Mafia!!!

I had Braxton-Hicks contractions the other night. They're also known as "false labor" and they feel kind of like intense period cramps. I didn't panic or run for the hospital, I did what they told me to do in prenatal class: I got up, walked around, got some juice...and they stopped. That's probably for the best. I don't think we're quite ready for him to come yet. Although, I am ready to stop working as soon as I can. It's a lot of pressure being the breadwinner and being prego. If I take an afternoon off, I'm shortchanging my family. I've been really lucky this pregnancy to feel well enough to keep working and not have to go on bedrest like so many others. I'm rambling today and I don't really know what my point is. Maybe I should just quit where I am and pick up the thread when I have more sleep. Or I could go eat my Fritos. Yeah, let's do that. Fritos and celery. Yum.

I wake up every morning dreading what I have to do that day. I dread going to work. It’s not that I don’t like what I do, it’s that I don’t have anything to do here at work. I’m bored all day long, and I hate it. I have to find things to fill my time, and that would be ok if I was in a non-conspicuous place, but my boss walks by my desk all the time and I worry that he’ll see me surfing the web or blogging or reading the board. I hate that. I want to be productive, but there just isn’t enough to do. It’s frustrating and I feel like I’m stealing from the company when I sit here and do nothing. I get bored and tired. My happiest days here are my busiest days. They fly by. The empty days seem to crawl…an hour for every five minutes I sit here staring at my screen. Maybe I’m just overcompetent. I just wish things took longer to do. Every hour or so, my boss will have 3 minutes of work for me to do. Then, when I’m done setting up the meeting or transcribing the minutes, I glaze over again. I wonder how many people in America go through this same thing. How many solitaire games are being played right now? How many people have just bid on an item on Ebay? The slothfulness of Americans is not due to unemployment, it’s due to unfulfilling and unchallenging jobs. We’re a generation of robots who job-hop and chase the buck doing things we’re overqualified to do. Our parents picked a profession that reflected their strengths, but we search monster.com looking for the best benefits package. Look at me. I have a degree in Human Biology, but I’m a secretary for a health food company. What do I say to people who ask why I’m in this profession? “The pay is good, the benefits are great, it’s only temporary.” Temporary. I’ve been here almost a year. I go to a job every morning that I dread and can’t wait to get out of every night. How many people really get to do what they love? Why do the rest of us put up with this? Maybe we’re supporting our husband in school. Maybe we just want that extra big house or the second car.

I think this is why I’m really looking forward to Maternity Leave. That means I don’t have to come to work. It’s going to be tons harder at home: demanding baby, little sleep, constant feedings and changings, but it will be a welcome relief from the constant boredom I feel here. I’m already dreading coming back here after 3 months. I guess it could be worse…I work in a climate controlled environment where I have a laptop and high speed internet access. My benefits package truly is incredible and I have one of the higher paid non-skilled jobs in the Valley. I like the people I work with and my job is only 10 minutes from my home. If I just had something to do here, something that challenged me, the situation would be ideal. Anyway, those are my complaints today. Sorry to be so depressing. It’s tough to come back after a vacation, I guess…

The last few nights I've been hanging out with more friends than I've seen in months. Many of them weren't my friends at the beginning, but by now I remember their names, faces, and Signs. I can even tell when some of them are bluffing. This has been a welcome change from the last few months when it's seemed like all I do is work and sleep. It's remninscent of Freshman Year when the evenings were dedicated to studying and friendship. We didn't have to be doing anything special, just hanging out together. I miss that. When you get married you have an automatic friend, but sometimes it's nice to hang out with other people as well. Especially when your automatic friend is addicted to Metriod Prime 2 and plays it an average of 6-8 hours a day... Now we have a whole slew of new friends and have learned several neat new games. Granted, in these parties the hours are late (think 4 am and 2 am) but the company is good and the food is tasty. I'm so glad people let Dinomight and me come even though we are married. The thing about hanging out with married people is that usually they're not as fun as single people. Dinomight and I promised when we got married that we wouldn't be one of those couples who constantly bring up marriage, who can only sit next to each other, who can't stop holding hands...you know the type. We hated being with those couples when we were single, and we work hard to be fun to hang out with. Even as a married couple, most of the couples we hang out with seem a little lopsided. We usually like one of the spouses a lot more than the other, and we just hang out with them so that we can be with the fun spouse. I'm hoping people don't feel that way about us. If they do, I hope I'm the fun spouse, but I doubt it. Dinomight is pretty cool. :)

Wow, that was kind of deep. Deeper than I usually go in this forum. Pa Grape commented the other night that I've got really long blogs, so I'll try to keep the rest of this short. **Phone Rings** Benvolio and Kassidy just called and they're 2 hours away!! Yay!! I'm glad they're coming, not only for their company but because it gave me an excuse to deep clean my house and enlist Dinomight's help. The baby is only 3 weeks away, now, and I'm looking around at my non-baby-proof house and counting the hazards. So far I'm up to about 26 just in my living room. Thank heavens the baby won't be able to crawl for awhile. Dinomight used to shimmy up corners as a toddler (up to the ceiling) and jump down on people. I'm hoping that trait isn't inherited. Ok, time to do the dinner dishes. "Sometimes I feel like the maid...Hey, I just cleaned this place up; could you keep it clean for five minutes??"